Motherhood goes hand in hand with guilt. Am I spending enough time with each child? Do I discipline too much? not enough? Do I read to them enough? give them enough outside time? Are their lives structured enough? over structured? and the list goes on and on. Lately Christin has been the main source of my guilt.Last Thursday Christin started nursery school. The morning went beautifully. We were all up, feed, dressed and out the door at exactly the right time (still not sure how that happened). I took pictures at home and brought my camera to take more at school. She walked in like she'd done it a million times, hung up her backpack, washed her hands, found her name on an apple, gave me a kiss and went off to play. I turned around happy that she was doing so well but expecting to tear up a little: nothing. Then I took Lindsey to the park and worked out and had a GREAT time. Then the guilt set in. I felt guilty for not getting emotional about Christin going to school. I felt guilty for so enjoying my time working out. I've yet to tell Christin that everyday we drop her off and head to the park. Christin has always been my workout buddy and now it's like I'm cheating on her with Lindsey and Aidan. I have this secret life of working out. I try to hide it by eating as much Ben and Jerry's as possible so she won't see the effects but I know one day I will slip up and she will learn of my affair.
Christin also made me feel guilty while riding in the car this week. We were both hungry so we stopped at McDonalds. I bought her a kids meal but opted for a grilled chicken snacker and iced tea for myself trying to be healthy. In Christin's best interest I dumped out about half her fries into my bag (I didn't want her to eat all that unhealthy stuff:) I felt a little guilty as a sneaked fries without her knowing however the real guilt set in when she ever so sweetly said, "Mommy would you like one of my fries?" I felt guilty taking it but how could I turn down her generosity. I hate to discourage her so I took it, and about 10 more.
Yup motherhood is one big guiltfest and I'm assuming it never ends but I'll take the guilt (and the extra fries) it's definitily worth it!
2 comments:
Shannon,
Guilt is in the amniotic fluid, and spends 40 weeks binding itself to the mother in every pregnancy, so you'll never be rid of it. You just do the best that you can every day, and put everything into God's hands. It's all good!
By the way, it's a good thing Lindsey has dark hair, because she is the SPITTING image of Christin! You'd never be able to tell their baby pictures apart years from now but for the hair!
I just LOVE your blog, and I think you are TERRIFIC (if a bit warped, but that's okay...I like warped!)
Love, Aunt Linda :-)
...as you know, 25 years and the guilt hasn't ended yet....
Mom
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