What Not To Say

First let me say that this is not an angry blog. Sometimes it amuses me the things people say to me. I know that no one is being heartless, however, in the effort to say the "right thing" people often say the wrong thing. Sometimes it makes me angry but usually I just nod my head and later laugh about it. So here it goes, a list of things not to say to someone grieving:

1. "I know how you feel" You don't, no one does, grief is such an individual process that unless I have told you how I feel there is no way you can know. No two people feel the same way. You can only know if I tell you, and even then my feelings can change in an instant. Which brings me to

2. "How are you doing?" Talk about a loaded question. I feel this is the question people use to test out their rusty Psych 101 skills. Good=Denial Bad=Depression or Anger. I've decided "We're OK" is the only appropriate answer, it keeps people guessing (unless of course the took more than one psych class:)

3. "Are things back to normal?" I'm not sure I even understand this question. There is no way to go "back" and I'm not even sure what "normal" is. I believe what people are trying to ask is if we are moving on but for some reason people are afraid to ask us that.

4. "Are you going to try again?" Ok, many of you whom I LOVE have asked me this but can we stop and think about this. I feel the connotation with this question is you failed, don't give up. We didn't fall of a horse people. There is no getting back on. Jack's death is not a failure, we had a successful pregnancy that resulted in a baby. I believe what you mean is, "Do you think you will have any more children?" (we don't have an anwer to that question yet)

So if you ever come across a person in grief here is my suggestion:
Give them hug. Tell them you love them and are praying for them. Ask them how they feel they are coping. And if you are really close to them ask them if they have any plans for the future. Lastly, gage their mood and make a suggestion to do something to either allow them to cry or give them the freedom to laugh (or both:)

I hope this post is informative and at least a little amusing. As painful as Jack's death have been there have certainly been times of laughter (admittedly sometimes at the expense of others ie: laughing at peoples' "I feel sorry for you face":)

As a side note: Jack continues to make an impression on our girls. Lindsey still prays for him and Christin will still get sad and miss him, she is however, not above getting fake sad at bedtime in order to stay up later and talk and we are seeing fewer real tears everyday!

We still appreciate everyones prayers and thoughts!